Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
