Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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