The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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