apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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