I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
