do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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