You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Can Purell be used as lube?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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