I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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