"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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