i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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