New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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