That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
