Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
