he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
