you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
