The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
please come you make the beer taste better
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
