i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize