My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Barsexuality is the new black.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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