I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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