He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
