Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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