i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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