i permit you to call me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
