How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
