Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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