dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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