I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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