i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
