this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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