oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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