Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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