i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
