My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
