I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
