Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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