just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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