omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
