So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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