Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
