My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
im six kinds of drunk right now
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
