Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
