Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
