Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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