so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
