He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.