I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
