2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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