Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
