He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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