i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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