i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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