I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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