took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
