I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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