Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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