I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
