wakey wakey hands off snakey
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
