I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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