She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
