Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
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I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
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My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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